My head is pounding and the urge to puke, to cut, to do something is so overwhelming right now. I want something. I'm not sure what. I've given up on dreams and wishing. It gets you no where fast. It was snowing today. It made me happy. Not excited happy. Just calm happy. There is something about snowy weather that just hypnotizes me. The snow seems to block out all sound and all sight. The cold feels great against my skin and it's the only time I don't ever feel lonely. I don't care so much if I'm alone but feeling lonely is something entirely different. And in the snow, my loneliness goes away for just a second. It's so weird that yesterday was probably the most fun I had with people in a while. A school club I joined had their pot luck dinner at my friends' house and really, we had a lot of food but it wasn't really necessary since we were so busy joking around and being silly. The night ended with a well put cake icing fight and laughs. For just a split second, I felt like I belonged with them. I felt, dare I say, kind of normal. I go to see my new therapist tomorrow....I'm suppose to give him a chance. I guess I will. Lets just see if he's a nice guy or a douche. Meh. (Sorry this entry is all over the place....my mind is a jumbled mess right now)

I've been wanting to cut for quite a bit now but I can't. I'll be going to New York soon and staying with my grandma. I was completely comfortable with her seeing the small scars littered throughout my body but now it's gotten to a point where I have to hide them. I don't want to see that disappointed look she gets when she sees them. I know in my brain she's not disappointed at me but my heart keeps saying differently. This week so far has been pretty interesting for me. I learned that someone in my Creative Writing class has a somewhat similar situation as me. Hers is a little different only that her mother was continuously physically abusive compared to my mother who relied heavily on emotional and verbal abuse. I also found out a friend, she's a sophomore, use to cut herself. At least that's what she told me. She had some marks on her arm that I saw today and I pulled her aside to ask her about them. I asked if she did more and she told me that they were on her legs. I told her she could talk to me if she needed and that I'm always open to listen. I offically unoffically adopted her as my school child. I think I felt closer to her knowing that. And she's really adorable. Even though the week has been interesting, it hasn't been easy. It's really weighing on me and lord knows those urges won't leave me alone. It's hard when you can't cry. It's even harder when you want to abandon the strongest urge to have someone hug you. On a side note, I have a twitter account now if anyone needs to get in touch with me or wants to talk. The address is http://www.twitter.com/kibblesnblitz

I've been a wreck these past couple of days and it only seems to be getting worse. My father saw some new scars on my arm and asked me about them yesterday. I lied and said that I did it because I was stressed about things with my mother. In actuality, I was angry and couldn't do a damn thing about it other than cutting. He thinks I only did my wrist but boy I was glad I didn't wear my sleep shorts in bed because my legs are definitely not a topic I want to discuss with him. Especially having to explain why there are five really dark places at random points on my leg (from the salt and ice burns). I think it's a good thing I only cut my upper leg since I don't like wearing bathing suits anymore nor do I like shorts all that much either.

I took a look in the mirror on friday and felt like smashing it. I'm so freaking fat and ugly. So I've been thinking of a way to make myself look kind of prettier. Turns out my body chose for me. I've been puking at school since yesterday. I know it's wrong and isn't the way to go but this is my life. If I'm destroying it, then it's a problem I deal with. I hate when people try to tell me to stop when they don't really care in the first place.